Depression

Far too many people now days think they are depressed. Unfortunately the word depressed/depression has come to be so common that its true meaning is lost on far too many. People think that just because they had a rough day or even week, and they are feeling sluggish and down that they are depressed. Maybe this is depression to them, but it is not the real/true definition of what depression is. Depression to me, is an overwhelming sensation that kills any sense of feeling right/happy and leaves one so low that they can't even manage to see the bigger picture, let alone make it threw another day. To some this may seem a bit ridiculous or even too drastic, but to those that have experienced real depression it is far too real. To those that have awaken in the middle of the night for reasons unknown and feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders when they attempt to get out of bed after a sleepless night. I know your struggle, and I experience your pain far too often. I've been to the extremes of depression and also the highs of manic episodes, and trust I know how difficult both can be. If you need to know in order to accept that my plight is real, then I will tell you how real it has been for me. I know what true suicidal thoughts and desires are. Not just wishing you could end suffering but making the decision in your mind to actually take your own life for whatever reason. I was and have never really been afraid of death. I'm more so afraid of life on a daily basis. Life is hard and seemingly awful at times. Death is the end of this struggle and strife. I'm not saying death is good or even suicide is an acceptable way out, I'm simply stating my opinion that as hard as life is death seems easy. But I have spent years working hard in therapy and on medications, and fighting against my own desires to make things simple through death. My battle is not won, but it is going much better than ever before. I do often have to force myself out of bed and fight to make it to work or even visit/hang with friends, but I do so knowing that I want more in life other than taking the easy way out. Suicide in my mind hurts the people around me and that love me more so than it allows me freedom from the harsh realities of life. I have friends that have passed at their own hand, and it was and continues to be difficult to accept for myself and more so their family. Yet, I know in my heart that as much as I have witnessed I do not want to place those same feelings on anyone I love. I often miss my friends, whether they have been killed at the hands of others or they took their own life. No matter what, I am still here and being here allows me to see how their deaths have altered/changed others including myself. I will not put anyone through something so unnecessary as death if it does not come naturally. I continue to fight my depression and hope that I can remain strong and stable throughout life. I know that people love and care for me, therefore I work hard to be something I am often not....happy. in the words of kid cudi, "I'm on the pursuit of happiness, and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold, but ill be fine once I get it, ill be good". Happiness is very difficult to come by for me and many other people, but some of us continue to seek it no matter how hard things get. I hope others that feel the things I have pertaining to depression and manic episodes, can push through all the pain and keep working hard at finding peace. No matter how hard it gets, please remember the people that care for you and would lose faith in life if you gave in and perished. They have been and continue to be my only salvation in this cruel, cold world. Sometimes I feel so down and out that I don't know what to do. Sometimes I can't even get a grip on what my actual feelings are. I am never 100% certain of how I feel, because far too often I feel as if there is nothing that matters in life. I desire faith and hope for more, but I have not found it yet simply because I do not and can not accept so many things in life. I tattood hope on my hand because it is something I believe in and desire. I like to believe that one day I will find more of a reason to live than simply because I don't want to hurt others. I want to fel like living life is for me as well as others. So I continue to push forward and go to work and hang with friend/family. If it truly is as empty I often imagine, then fuck it. At least I didn't leave the negative imprint on others that some have. I don't want to sound like I don't understand suicide, I just want to believe there's another way no matter how fucked up life can be. I hope others do the same. This post is dedicated to JL, my boy C, and their families. Also its for my fam to know I keep trying no matter how hard things seem to be. I love all of you and I thank you for your support and love, even if you never understand what I go through, thanks for trying. To all those feeling similar and wishing for a way out, I hope you find one and see the bigger picture cause life can be great if you keep trying to live it.