Depression

Far too many people now days think they are depressed. Unfortunately the word depressed/depression has come to be so common that its true meaning is lost on far too many. People think that just because they had a rough day or even week, and they are feeling sluggish and down that they are depressed. Maybe this is depression to them, but it is not the real/true definition of what depression is. Depression to me, is an overwhelming sensation that kills any sense of feeling right/happy and leaves one so low that they can't even manage to see the bigger picture, let alone make it threw another day. To some this may seem a bit ridiculous or even too drastic, but to those that have experienced real depression it is far too real. To those that have awaken in the middle of the night for reasons unknown and feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders when they attempt to get out of bed after a sleepless night. I know your struggle, and I experience your pain far too often. I've been to the extremes of depression and also the highs of manic episodes, and trust I know how difficult both can be. If you need to know in order to accept that my plight is real, then I will tell you how real it has been for me. I know what true suicidal thoughts and desires are. Not just wishing you could end suffering but making the decision in your mind to actually take your own life for whatever reason. I was and have never really been afraid of death. I'm more so afraid of life on a daily basis. Life is hard and seemingly awful at times. Death is the end of this struggle and strife. I'm not saying death is good or even suicide is an acceptable way out, I'm simply stating my opinion that as hard as life is death seems easy. But I have spent years working hard in therapy and on medications, and fighting against my own desires to make things simple through death. My battle is not won, but it is going much better than ever before. I do often have to force myself out of bed and fight to make it to work or even visit/hang with friends, but I do so knowing that I want more in life other than taking the easy way out. Suicide in my mind hurts the people around me and that love me more so than it allows me freedom from the harsh realities of life. I have friends that have passed at their own hand, and it was and continues to be difficult to accept for myself and more so their family. Yet, I know in my heart that as much as I have witnessed I do not want to place those same feelings on anyone I love. I often miss my friends, whether they have been killed at the hands of others or they took their own life. No matter what, I am still here and being here allows me to see how their deaths have altered/changed others including myself. I will not put anyone through something so unnecessary as death if it does not come naturally. I continue to fight my depression and hope that I can remain strong and stable throughout life. I know that people love and care for me, therefore I work hard to be something I am often not....happy. in the words of kid cudi, "I'm on the pursuit of happiness, and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold, but ill be fine once I get it, ill be good". Happiness is very difficult to come by for me and many other people, but some of us continue to seek it no matter how hard things get. I hope others that feel the things I have pertaining to depression and manic episodes, can push through all the pain and keep working hard at finding peace. No matter how hard it gets, please remember the people that care for you and would lose faith in life if you gave in and perished. They have been and continue to be my only salvation in this cruel, cold world. Sometimes I feel so down and out that I don't know what to do. Sometimes I can't even get a grip on what my actual feelings are. I am never 100% certain of how I feel, because far too often I feel as if there is nothing that matters in life. I desire faith and hope for more, but I have not found it yet simply because I do not and can not accept so many things in life. I tattood hope on my hand because it is something I believe in and desire. I like to believe that one day I will find more of a reason to live than simply because I don't want to hurt others. I want to fel like living life is for me as well as others. So I continue to push forward and go to work and hang with friend/family. If it truly is as empty I often imagine, then fuck it. At least I didn't leave the negative imprint on others that some have. I don't want to sound like I don't understand suicide, I just want to believe there's another way no matter how fucked up life can be. I hope others do the same. This post is dedicated to JL, my boy C, and their families. Also its for my fam to know I keep trying no matter how hard things seem to be. I love all of you and I thank you for your support and love, even if you never understand what I go through, thanks for trying. To all those feeling similar and wishing for a way out, I hope you find one and see the bigger picture cause life can be great if you keep trying to live it.

Fuck Your Feelings

My second entry is dedicated to the past and present feelings of others regarding me and my attitude. Often people do not understand or agree with my sense of humor. Also they feel that my sarcasm is a bit much and can be perceived as quite rude. I tend to say outlandish things and make off color remarks, simply for the hell of it. Perhaps even more so for the shock and awe that it brings when I see peoplems reactions to what is said. I don't entirely know why I say some of the ridiculous things I do. Part of me really doesn't care how they react, but another part of me also tends to feel like maybe if I make them uncomfortable or throw them off balance so to speak, then perhaps I will not feel awkward or unease myself. As I stated before I have social anxiety issues and take xanax to relieve them, especially when a panic attack occurs. This might offer some insight as to my reasons for attempting to make others feel similar to how I frequently do. Overall I have one philosophy when it comes to these people that feel slighted by me or get upset/uncomfortable because of my remarks.... Fuck Your Feelings!! Lmao... That is not to say I don't try to respect others and their comfort levels in general. It is simply to note that I don't have the time nor do I wish to exert the emotional effort it takes to worry about how you feel on a deeper level. I respect those that respect me and my personailty. If I have offended you without just cause, then 8 out of 10 times I will apologize if there truly is a reason to do so. However, if you are simply being over sensitive and/or desire me to be something I am not, then again I say Fuck Your Feelings. I have endured a good amount in life that has made me who I am, and if this means at times I am crass or sarcastic than I am accepting of that. I often put up a good front and appear confident even when not truly feeling so. My harshness and unpolite candor is frequently a facade that I require to feel accepted or simply comfortable in my own skin when interacting with others. Another part of my personality tends to come from being a so called northerner....meaning I am from a relatively large city in the northeast region of the U.S.A. It is apprent that people from the northern region are commonly viewed as rude, fast pace, and sarcastic in their ways. I have found this to be true in many ways, so some of my personality I believe can rightly be blamed on my socialization in a particular geographic location. Yet, I do not use this as an ecuse for my ways. I know that I am who I am, because it is who I have chosen to be. A person's surroundings and environment do shape them, but ultimately it is up to that individual to choose how much of what he has experienced is going to influence/overtake him. This is not to say that certain environments or upbringings do not yield a specific type of result, meaning sometimes people go through so much fucked up shit that they don't know how to overcome it and change who they have become. I on the other hand accept that many things have contributed to the type of person I am and how I choose to speak/act. I did study sociology so I can see how we are socialized and how are environment plays a big role in who we become, but I do believe in personal respnsibility as well. I choose to be sarcastic, crass, curse, forward, and even overwhelming at times....but that is me. I'm fine with it, now all I expect of you is to accept me for me. Also I expect you to let me know if I have unnecessarily offended you, because if I was truly wrong then I have no problem apologizing. If not then....I think you know by now....FUCK YOUR FEELINGS!!! Lmfao....get over it people. Words are usually just words. Yes in some instances people attempt to hurt others emotionally with certain words but in my case I am just expressing what I'm thinking or simply just fucking around and saying whatever comes to mind. In my opinion some people need thicker skin, or just a better vocabulary.... no but really, I think we all need to take a second and step back to see why we get so offended over little things. Life is harsh and life is complicated people, so don't waste time worrying about how someone expresses themself if they are not directly trying to offend/hurt you. And again, if you feel like their words are an attack on you, then say something because you might find that they were not intending to do so....and if you don't speak up.....yes, that's right...FUCK YOUR FEELINGS!!!

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intro to me and my blog

This is my first blog entry so I'm just gonna write a little something about me and why I decided to start blogging... I was always opposed to blogs because I didn't want to really put myself out there like that, but with facebook and twitter being so big in my life I felt I needed another outlet to say things on a more in depth level and also to even say stuff I don't necessarily want friends or even family to read on facebook. On twitter I tend to just say whatever the hell I want so if u ever follow me on twitter ur gonna hear some ignorant n crazy shit come out my mouth. I'm a complicated and relatively intelligent person who often uses sarcasm and rudeness to shield myself from people truly getting to know me. I am by no means a shut in or closed off from the world, despite the fact that I don't always enjoy socializing in large groups I still do it with friends a good amount because it help to keep me from being too self focused and is like immersion therapy kind of for me. I do have social anxiety disorder, or agoraphobia if u ask certain doctors, and also have issues with being bipolar/manic depressive. I do take meds and go to therapy regularly so overall I'm stable and def not crazy. I'm not a violent or off the wall person, I just suffer from these illnesses that often lead to eratic thoughts/behavior, insomnia, depression, manic periods, discomfort in social situations are common, and I have night terrors. I do often struggle to live life to the fullest and even function on any level some times. But I manage to work full time, do graphic design on the side, and live a relatively fulfilling life for the most part. Yes all of my diagnoses make life very hard at times and do affect my ability to maintain healthy stable relationships with family, friends, and especially girl friends. I don't say all of these things because I want people to feel sorry for me, and more importantly don't want people think I'm crazy/unstable. I say them just so you can get a better understanding of where I'm coming from with future thoughts/blogs. Also I put it out there because some people can't deal with their own issues which often might correspond to mine. I want those people to know that they are not alone, and despite how difficult things can be you have to keep trying to live your life, that is if you truly want to. I also know there are different levels of all of these ailments and realize mine are not as severe as many other peoples, so I won't presume to know what you go through or even if you can overcome certain things that maybe I have/can. But also do not presume to know me or what I have been through, because if you haven't lived my life there is no way for it to be real to you as it is to me. Again I've seen people in far worse situations than me so I know things can be often be more difficult. So I guess all I can stress to anyone that decides to read my blog is please don't judge me, and I will give you the same courtesy. You may not always agree with what I say or my approach to certain things, and that is fine. Feel free to post comments/thoughts/etc on my wall and I will respect your opinions if you respect mine. That's all for now bloggers, I will be posting a lot at times and other times I might not post for days so enjoy and look for my next entry....

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